“If you expect nothing from somebody, you are never disappointed” Sylvia Path
“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” Alexander Pope
“I’d rather be pleasantly surprised than fatally disappointed.” Julia Glass
“I’m not angry… I’m just disappointed.” Mum
Okay, ignore the last one. It’s interesting that all those quotes (and many similar ones referencing disappointment) were sourced by searching for the word ‘expectations’. We immediately create a link between what we think and/or hope will happen and how disappointed we might feel after. No wonder! It is absolutely ourselves that create that reaction. For example, if a professional boxer is in the ring during a fight and gets punched they should probably realise that was always a possibility and not allow it to upset them. However, should they get punched whilst walking around the supermarket then they have every right to get angry. Similarly, if you’re stupid enough to punch a professional boxer in Tesco…
Part of my issue is this thread of avoiding any high expectations to avoid the lows of disappointment. I think that’s called Epicurean or something like that. It’s okay to have expectations but we need to manage them appropriately. Epicurus lived his life believing that one should limit his or her desires. This was based on the belief that living with the finer things in life means the absence will create upset or hurt. With his whole philosophy based on the absence of pain and suffering, he lived a very basic life. There is a lot that can be said for that and I would certainly argue against materialism but why can’t we afford ourselves some positive, reasonable expectations?
If you saw your friend working in a clothes shop and thought ‘brilliant, I may be able to get a discount’, that’s certainly not unreasonable. However, if you thought ‘brilliant, free clothes’ then you’re setting yourself up for fall. It’s not the positive expectation that has let you down, it’s overdoing the expectation.
I believe that it is the management (or lack of) of these expectations that can lead to a lot of our stress. If someone cuts you up in traffic, a lot of people would get angry; lights flashed and horns tooted. We start to get territorial with the belief that not only do we own our car but the 4 feet of space all around it as well. In truth, based on laws, rules, and codes the other driver is most definitely in the wrong. They should not have done what they did. However, anyone who has been driving for any length of time will have realised that it happens. And THIS is where we need to manage our expectations.
If we can manage these thoughts based on past experiences as well as our own values we can start to become more resilient. What else do we do to ultimately and inevitably disappoint ourselves? Sick of not getting a new job? Even though you’ve not sent out any applications. Not getting fitter? Even though you don’t go to the gym. If you set your own expectations purely on thoughts and wishes, then they will become disappointments. Action is required.
Take control. Give yourself a chance to meet your own expectations. And never, ever make your mum angry or disappointed. Trust me.